Look Before you Sit

Simmer down now… simmer down class. Has every one read the “Do-Now”? (haha, remember those?). Does anybody care to share what they wrote? Yes, you, super tall girl with the luxurious long hair. What is the biggest issue in the gender fairness quest? “Equal wages!?”.. No!... Anyone else…? Yes you, rotund young fellow with the skittles behind your back..  “What about better representation of women in high level management” …Dammit No!  Alright, one more... What about you young man? with the odd shaped head, who looks sort of like a young Chris Rock. … “Umm I guess …to flip the seat or not to flip!?”… “DING DING DING… That’s right!” 

The biggest issue facing men and women in their invisible war against gender equality is… the toilet seat.

                                                    

Many a men have slept on couches due to this porcelain devil. Many relationships have come to the brink of no return because; their lovers derrière was unnecessarily soiled by this ceramic water ride. I myself have been on the bad end of getting chewed out by a woman for leaving the toilet seat up. Yet, when I responded with, “I’ll put it down as long as you put it back up when you’re done”, I get looked at as if I’m speaking Mandarin Chinese. In my opinion, the most impartial solution is to leave the seat as it was last used, for men, if they were relieving themselves, this would be the up position. For women this would be the down position. It’s so obvious it makes my bladder fill up with discontent.  Excuse me while I go relieve myself.

Ok I’m back… and yes I watched my hands. Now where was I?  

I know plenty of my female friends and readers will scoff at such “preposterous” practical idea.  But I’ve watched enough reruns of Living Single, and Girlfriends to at least be able to safely explain my opinion without judgment. So listen up.  As an Original Gentleman I am empathetic with the issues facing women in this day and age: such as domestic abuse, constitutional equality, promoting diversity in the workplace, as well as ahost of other matters that often go overlooked. But on this delicate and sometimes touchy subject of bathroom etiquette is where I disconnect.

Ladies! Come on…is it that big a deal?

……………

Ok, good...you are still reading. Is it so hard to take your index finger and your thumb to lower the seat? Now I know what you are about to say. “Do you know what it feels like to realize half way thru your squat that someone didn’t put the toilet seat down and your Ass splashes at the bottom of the bowl? And I will answer. No, no I can’t say that I have. But think of me as the mediator between the sexes. Just because I’ve never had a wet bottom due to toilet bowl treachery, does not mean I can’t look at this objectively.

Hopefully everyone is familiar with the television show Martin. I would ask that you please direct your attention to the clip below; as this will make my case.  You can fast forward to the 1:55min mark or enjoy the whole clip.

Ladies, I say this with all the love and kindness that Martin did not. LOOK BEFORE YOU SIT… LOOK… THEN SIT. This should be common knowledge for any person regardless of gender. There could be a spider the size of Justin Beiber on the seat. I recall watching a show on TLC that documented a python crawling through the sewage pipes, and if it wasn’t for this woman looking before she sat, it would have been her husband telling the story and not her. The-Look-Before-Sit- Method just doesn’t apply to toilet seats. Sofas, Passenger Seats, Benches, anywhere your rump can be made to rest, warrants a look.

I hope this post doesn’t start a massive toilet upheaval. Gentleman, this does not mean you should not even attempt to place the toilet seat down ever again. If you remember, after you zip it… then please by all means flip it. Because, if you ever want some (insert the noun or verb of your choice) again, I suggest you keep our estrogen overloaded counterparts happy.

Now Ladies, if we do forget, please just count your blessings. If the only thing you can find to heckle us about on a Friday evening is the toilet seat, take a step back and think about the woman whose man doesn’t have a job, and just plays XBox all day. Or about the sister, whose boyfriend takes money out of her purse without asking. There are a lot worse out there. A LOT WORSE.

***And I realize in the amount of time it took me to create this mini rant, I could have put the toilet seat down enough times for all of next year. ****

In conclusion, this post is the result of watching Martin episodes into the wee hours of the morning. Toilet Seat Blogs. Thank you.

I am We

Marinate on This "O.G. Thought of the Week"

"Which one of the political symbols is omnipresent?"

A.               The Church

B.               Television

C.                McDonalds

D.               Satan

-SAMO (Jean Michel Basquiat)

C.C. Black

I am We

Oh Baby You! You Got What I Need!

"Every Man's Nightmare, Most Womens' Dream"

Happy Monday Everyone. I had an interesting discussion with one of my friends on Google Chat today. Coincidentally some of my best, most enlightening convos have come by way of Google Chat. I have no idea why, maybe it’s the binary code, or the html. *Shrugs* before you know it, your discussing politics, crimes, friends, love, is the grape Kool-Aid better than the red? Or, when will Snoop Dogg finally cut his hair? Etc... You know those kinds of convos.

 Todays topic is  Most  Every man’s nightmare and Every Most womens' dream. I’m talking about...(opens the envelope) PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP! AGHHH!!!!

Without going into to much detail, this friend of mine (who is of the opposite sex) , who for privacy reasons we will call ...ehh.. call her Lisa. Lisa was in a pretty shitty mood, and it was not because it was Monday morning, or because she forgot to return two movies to Redbox before 9pm.  Being the Original Gentleman that I am, I inquired, what could make a college educated, able bodied, sound minded, long hair don’t care sister with caramel brown skin in such a bad mood? 

FIVE WORDS:

Lisa: “That ni**a just wanna fuck!

AGHHHH!!!!!

Excuse my obscenity, please note that I changed and paraphrased a few words for privacy reasons as well. And by a few, I mean all.

Lisa and countless other woman, and a few men believe that platonic friendship between a homosapien man and a homosapien women can exist. Ha.

Me? I know better. Granted, there are a few exceptions to every rule. In Platonic Friendship Law 101, we not only have exceptions, but amendments, (ladies and their gay best friends), by-laws (both parties are in committed relationship) and pinky promises (staying friends despite growing differences,).

Ladies love to sight that, “Hey I have a male friend, and our friendship is platonic, and he does not even like me like that!”, finished off with a neck roll a finger snap and hip shot. 

Well excuse the hell outta me.

My friend, you are mistaken. The truth is, he did try something, you just never noticed.  If he hasn’t thought about it, at least one of his homeboy's had to ask, “Yo why you ain’t hitting that?”

Before we move on let’s take a look at the meaning of the word “platonic”. Webster defines platonic as: “ not amorous or sensual but purely spiritual”

Not amorous (loving) or sensual. Show of hands... 

How many of you have opposite sex platonic friends? 

How many of those opposite sex friends have you slept with or thought about sleeping with? 

Don’t get me wrong; it’s not all about just jiggling groins and locking lip muscles.  

For those of you with your hand still raised, 

How many of you have thought about dating, or having a future with these opposite sex friends.? For the 3 people still with their hands raised, Congratulations... you are still single.

As soon as one person acts on, thinks about, ponders, or discusses any thing more than just being “platonic” friends, then the relationship is not longer “platonic”. Once one person acknowledges any type of interest, the existence of the platonic force field no longer exists. Re- Read that again... go ahead... I’ll wait.

From that point on you are “Just Friends”. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being “Just Friends”. I myself have a few  “Just Friend” females, and I’m sure my girlfriend and many other ladies have a few  “Just Friend” males. 

Please, lets’ not lie to ourselves any longer and say its platonic.  

It’s a lot to swallow (That’s what she said) ;-)   I’ll leave you guys, so that tonight’s discussion can marinate in your brains. I’m off to enjoy my midnight meal, and a few libations. Cha Cha out.

Stay tuned for tomorrow discussion, “If they’re such a Good Catch, Why Not Date Them?”

I Am We.

What Would Steve Jobs Do?

Something wrong, I hold my head, S.J. gone ...that geek dead.

Like the time you had your first kiss or where you were when you heard the King of Pop died. Everyone will always remember where  they were or what they were doing the Master of the Mac went to that ride on Processor Highway up to the big CPU in the sky.

What was that? Where was I you ask?

Good question. I was actually perusing the internet, on a slim and sleek Mac Book Pro, searching for accent pillows for my couch to match the color of  the walls in my living room ( Yes this O.G. watches H.G.T.V).  Then I stumbled across the headline “Apple Co-founder dies at 56”  The funny part is ...I don’t own a Mac. This just goes to show how successful Steve Jobs was at intergrating Apple into every facet of our lives.

There are plenty of things worth remembering about Steve Jobs. But probably the one most worth noting is that Jobs gave us the authority to design and control our own shit.

In our Age thinking for yourself is considered odd or a mistake. We constantly reinforce the need to fit into a bottle. Much of our instinctive creativity that we are born with is stifled. We start our dreaming, pretending and creating; and end up crunching numbers making up excuses and taking half hour lunch breaks. Amongst the stress from our professors, bosses, and even family members, many of us throw in the towel in search of our meaning and purpose in life. Because we like to follow the herd. Fuck that. And after some time, some of  us start  to doubt that we actually have something unique to offer the world  

When we try and measure ourselves by others standards; Its like the kid in the Volkswagen commercial wacking at the pinata with all his might and not even putting a dent in the damn thing. (c'mon you know the advertisement I'm talking about).. but its pointless..

Some time after Jobs 30^th birthday, Apple relieved him of his duties as CEO. Upon his return Job initiated an ad campaign that pretty much sums up his belief and approach to life. 

So lets give three cheers for the guy that taught us not to conform to what others think. Figure out your own importance to this world and find a way to make a difference.

I am We.

The Fresh Hair Cut Effect

 "The Black MansCountry Club"

Every week or two, I find myself seated in an old leathery black chair with a light black cloth draped around my shoulders. With sweat slowly dripping down my brow from the lack of centralized air in the room. Infused with the boisterous sounds of drums, horns and the melodic tunes of the Caribbean playing from a huge but, out-of-date wall speaker. While dozens of men holler and banter back and forth on such riveting subjects as, Nicki Minaj’s ass, Why Michael Vick shouldn’t play this week, the latest Chrysler 300 model, and Nicki Minaj’s Ass... again...

If you haven’t guess by now, this is my Barbershop. “The Black Man’s Country Club,” if you will. Now I realize everyone’s experience might not be as prestigious and as exceptional as mine. Haha. But whether you go to the traditional barber, Super Cuts (for my paler less pigmented friends) or your cousin Tito who cuts your hair in his garage. One thing is Universal...

                                    Fresh Haircuts Make a Man Feel GOOOOOOD!!!

And I’m not talking about the I-got -a -three –day- weekend -from work -kind –of-good. Or the, I- just- won $20- dollars- on –a- scratch off ticket -kind- of- good either. I’m talking about the, IF- KERRY WASHINGTON- HERSELF -WALKED PASSED- ME RIGHT –NOW- SHE WOULD- WANT TO HAVE- MY -CHILD, KIND –OF- GOOD! ... Just because my Fade is Tight.

Maybe I’m just speaking for myself but after a nice cut, my Smile is a little brighter, there’s a little lean in my step, and extra debonair flare in my voice. I can’t be stopped. “King Kong ain’t got nothing on me.”  A good example would be Bradley Cooper in “Limitless.” 

But with all the extra pep and energy, most of the time, it goes unnoticed by many. As Men we are quick to give out compliments to ladies. Such as “Damn girl yo’ booty so nice I wanna eat cereal out the dimples of your Ass.” Although quite obscene and highly uncalled for, We mean well...We mean well...Truly... We really mean well.

And yet this grand act of misplaced admiration is rarely returned.

So ladies, I dare you...

I triple double dog nuts dare you,

From this point on and until sweet black baby Jesus comes and takes us away (Fuck  YOU FRANK OCEAN FOR THAT BULLSHIT Ass LINE!), If you see a brother with a smooth, well maintained cut.

Say something Dammit! You never know you might get a free Gatorade or something out of it.

And fellas don’t be afraid to tell your boy he has a fresh cut. IT’S NOT GAY... It’s only Gay unless you were stroking the side of his head and gazing into his eyes while you were saying it.

 I AM WE.

Man In the Mirror

“Who Am I? I Am We.”

Have you ever looked in the mirror and seen Yourself. I mean not just stare, wondering why one nostril is bigger than the other, or why your eyebrows don't match, or playing with that one stray nose hair. But actually look into yourself, for who you are.. It’s hard as fuck I know.

I did this the other day and it scared the shit out me. Well not really shit. per se, but more of a gaseous feeling, like when you eat one too many slices of Papa Johns meat lovers pizza with cheese crust. (Side note: stay away from the dairy black folk). Back to the matter at hand, I looked at myself and finally understood that the longer I am here on this Planet. The less  I know. That shit  cray

My mom always told me...

"Wisdom doesn't come with age, it comes with experience. Young fools will probably die old fools.”

So this blog is my attempt not to die an old fool. haha.

Chronicling my thoughts, experiences and blunders with the aim that next time I look in the mirror, I’ll see Me, my only enemy.

So.....Read, Share, Comment if you like. This Chronicle is not just MY OWN , but OUR journey. Because who am I? I am We. We all have questions. Some thought provoking, some about life, some just about things that perplex us.  Like...... how can Lil Wayne be a gangbanger and still wear skintight leather pants? Or why do girlfriends always come to the conclusion that the perfect opportunity to discuss major, important life problems and circumstances is when the game is on!? Or who would win in a fight?  The Cookie Monster or the Grouch? Or better yet, what would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor cuz he's hungry, and............and....Damn I forgot the rest but, you get my point.

So come with me......this quiet, sarcastic, chocolate southern gentleman’s chronicle TO KNOW.

C.C Black

I am We