Look Before you Sit

Simmer down now… simmer down class. Has every one read the “Do-Now”? (haha, remember those?). Does anybody care to share what they wrote? Yes, you, super tall girl with the luxurious long hair. What is the biggest issue in the gender fairness quest? “Equal wages!?”.. No!... Anyone else…? Yes you, rotund young fellow with the skittles behind your back..  “What about better representation of women in high level management” …Dammit No!  Alright, one more... What about you young man? with the odd shaped head, who looks sort of like a young Chris Rock. … “Umm I guess …to flip the seat or not to flip!?”… “DING DING DING… That’s right!” 

The biggest issue facing men and women in their invisible war against gender equality is… the toilet seat.

                                                    

Many a men have slept on couches due to this porcelain devil. Many relationships have come to the brink of no return because; their lovers derrière was unnecessarily soiled by this ceramic water ride. I myself have been on the bad end of getting chewed out by a woman for leaving the toilet seat up. Yet, when I responded with, “I’ll put it down as long as you put it back up when you’re done”, I get looked at as if I’m speaking Mandarin Chinese. In my opinion, the most impartial solution is to leave the seat as it was last used, for men, if they were relieving themselves, this would be the up position. For women this would be the down position. It’s so obvious it makes my bladder fill up with discontent.  Excuse me while I go relieve myself.

Ok I’m back… and yes I watched my hands. Now where was I?  

I know plenty of my female friends and readers will scoff at such “preposterous” practical idea.  But I’ve watched enough reruns of Living Single, and Girlfriends to at least be able to safely explain my opinion without judgment. So listen up.  As an Original Gentleman I am empathetic with the issues facing women in this day and age: such as domestic abuse, constitutional equality, promoting diversity in the workplace, as well as ahost of other matters that often go overlooked. But on this delicate and sometimes touchy subject of bathroom etiquette is where I disconnect.

Ladies! Come on…is it that big a deal?

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Ok, good...you are still reading. Is it so hard to take your index finger and your thumb to lower the seat? Now I know what you are about to say. “Do you know what it feels like to realize half way thru your squat that someone didn’t put the toilet seat down and your Ass splashes at the bottom of the bowl? And I will answer. No, no I can’t say that I have. But think of me as the mediator between the sexes. Just because I’ve never had a wet bottom due to toilet bowl treachery, does not mean I can’t look at this objectively.

Hopefully everyone is familiar with the television show Martin. I would ask that you please direct your attention to the clip below; as this will make my case.  You can fast forward to the 1:55min mark or enjoy the whole clip.

Ladies, I say this with all the love and kindness that Martin did not. LOOK BEFORE YOU SIT… LOOK… THEN SIT. This should be common knowledge for any person regardless of gender. There could be a spider the size of Justin Beiber on the seat. I recall watching a show on TLC that documented a python crawling through the sewage pipes, and if it wasn’t for this woman looking before she sat, it would have been her husband telling the story and not her. The-Look-Before-Sit- Method just doesn’t apply to toilet seats. Sofas, Passenger Seats, Benches, anywhere your rump can be made to rest, warrants a look.

I hope this post doesn’t start a massive toilet upheaval. Gentleman, this does not mean you should not even attempt to place the toilet seat down ever again. If you remember, after you zip it… then please by all means flip it. Because, if you ever want some (insert the noun or verb of your choice) again, I suggest you keep our estrogen overloaded counterparts happy.

Now Ladies, if we do forget, please just count your blessings. If the only thing you can find to heckle us about on a Friday evening is the toilet seat, take a step back and think about the woman whose man doesn’t have a job, and just plays XBox all day. Or about the sister, whose boyfriend takes money out of her purse without asking. There are a lot worse out there. A LOT WORSE.

***And I realize in the amount of time it took me to create this mini rant, I could have put the toilet seat down enough times for all of next year. ****

In conclusion, this post is the result of watching Martin episodes into the wee hours of the morning. Toilet Seat Blogs. Thank you.

I am We